What If You're Not A Problem to Be Solved?

I’m writing this looking out the window onto the small apple tree in my front garden. At the moment it is weighed down by these beautiful red apples, and it does this every year without fail, with remarkably little help from me. Mostly I try not to kill it, and it just does its thing — blossom in spring and apples in autumn. The tree doesn’t give itself targets or try to become a better version of itself — given favourable conditions it simply grows and unfolds its apple-treeness.

Unlike apple trees, we have the dubious advantage of being able to imagine alternative versions of ourselves. We can spend a lot of time wishing we were more disciplined, more confident, more creative, a better person altogether.

But what if human growth was more like trees — less about improvement and more about unfolding? Is this where we can get in our own way?

Most attempts at change begin with a dissatisfaction (and sometimes) rejection of who we are now. When I think about the self-improvement industry (and it’s all around, even — maybe especially — in coaching), I’m reminded of that Thom Yorke lyric from the album OK Computer:

‘Fitter, happier, more productive’

which then goes on to list all the ways one might live a risk-free, careful, ‘good citizen’-type life. Recall that the last line of Fitter Happier is: ‘A pig in a cage on antibiotics’ — and really, no one wants that. And consider the outcomes of most New Year resolutions. Not happy reading.

We want to be a different person to escape the discomfort of being who we are, with all our confusion, wounds, reactivity and bad habits. But unless we ‘start where we are’ as Pema Chodron puts it, we can’t really become who we are.

Something I’ve noticed in coaching conversations is that meaningful change happens, and progress made, not when someone creates the perfect plan, but when they become interested in what's happening right now. This often brings insight — something far more valuable.

I want to share with you this striking invitation that I came across earlier this year in Jamie Catto’s book Insanely Gifted. In effect he asks us:

What if you were to live out the rest of your life exactly as you are now? Would you be able to love and respect yourself fully?

What happens inside when you hear that? I felt indignant, terrified and relieved in quick succession.

Much of our effort goes into focusing on the person we'd like to become. We project ourselves into an imagined future and then spend our lives trying to bridge the gap. But what if we were no longer a problem to be solved? Phew!

So, am I saying you should just stop trying? No. Acceptance is not resignation. There is a crucial difference and it’s a matter of thinking about it differently.

An alternative approach might be to practise the life you want, to inhabit it. So, if you want to be an artist, do something that connects you to art. Or if you want to ‘get fit’ then start moving your body, in whatever way you enjoy. Make it small, just an experiment.

Action is still important. You're not painting because today's self is inadequate. You're painting because painting is what artists do. You’re not going for a walk because that’s the only way you’ll get to where you want to be. You’re walking because it feels good and that’s what active people do.

It takes patience and listening to ourselves. As the Tao Te Ching says:

“Who can wait while the mud settles?

Who can remain still until the moment of action?”

My apple tree isn’t trying to become a better apple tree. Tomorrow and in three months it will just be responding to the season it finds itself in.

How might we do something similar?

If any of this resonates, find one place where you’re fighting with yourself. Watch what happens if, instead of trying harder, you let the mud settle and see if there’s something that’s waiting to emerge.

If you’re interested in coaching with me or for your organisation, please get in touch to book a free exploratory call. Your first session can be a taster — a chance to experience what it’s like and see whether it feels helpful. There’s no charge unless you decide to continue.

hello@tinyhorsecoaching.co.uk

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